Will I ever succeed in opening this heart of mine?
How do they do it? How does everyone experience life, pain, love, heartbreak?
I can't even manage to open my heart to my closest friends. Let alone any man that has ever expressed interest. What is this impenetrable wall that I have unwillingly built around me? For once, I want to live. I want to genuinely like someone and have them like me in return. For once, I want to experience love, even heartache. Bring it on world...I'm ready to feel. The numbness can only go so far. My anesthesia is wearing off. I need to gain movement in my limbs, a tingle in my skin, and a flutter in my stomach. I can only go so far accepting that my time will come but now I just worry that it never will. With no prospects and no faith, what am I supposed to do? I get on. I re-focus. I re-align. But then you come.
Finally accepting life on my own terms, you come and shred it all. You enter, as nonchalantly as you did before. You take my butterflies set so neatly in their cage and set them free. For months they flutter they fly, breed, expand and morph. With trepidation I start to let you in, our history gives you the benefit of the doubt. I want to accept you, grant you access to the Fort Knox of my heart. But the guards at the gate say no. The wily beast of insecurity attacks again, leaving me cold, starved, and alone. So close to finding feeling, but the numbness closes in once more...the sunshine deteriorates, closes in on itself. I find nothing but disgust, I pick you apart. Your flaws are all that I see. I now only see what I want, in order to justify my decision in self-doubt. I see through you. I don't see YOU. Only until I realize the feelings are mutual, I show I don't care. And then you're gone...faster than you entered. Only now do I want you. I want the chase. I want the thrill. The mystery. The dreams at night. It hurts to accept the end of excitement. Yet I crawl back into my anesthetic cocoon. Maybe one day my butterflies will be released again. But until I gain the courage to grow I sit alone in my cocoon, waiting for spring.
