To infinity and beyond.

I want to feel infinite.

Like that song you play driving with the windows down. The wind caressing your hair. The feeling that nothing in life could get any better. The sun beating on your face, reminding you that there is nothing like California. The thought that your best friend will be there forever, an infinite amount of time. And yet... time gets the best of us. It twists. It turns. And before we know it... is gone.

hello change...welcome back.

Change is inevitable. Goodbyes are insurmountable.

Pain, fear, anxiety. All side effects of change. We cannot stop it. We cannot go around it. We cannot go under it, over it, to the left or right of it. We must go through it. Whether we accept it or not, change happens to us all. 

Life as I know it is up in arms. In two weeks from tomorrow I will no longer live at home. My stomach aches, my brain hurts, my tear ducts have been emptied out. Excitement has been replaced with anxiety; happiness with nerves. I have never been closer to the cusp of life on my own than I am right now. Oh God, I'm terrified. I face the trials of life alone. The ups. The downs. The good and bad. It is up to me now...I have the sole power to create my own success.

Why is it that the second I find happiness and contentment in my life, change comes along with her big steam engine and plows right over me once more? I can't take anymore. I am only human. High school is over. Marriage. New people living in my home. College. Moving out. Leaving my closest friends behind.

Until this evening, I never had to say goodbye to someone I loved in a non-funeral sort of way. No, this is worse. This is knowledge that we are bound to live separate lives. That we are to live out the next years of our life without each other on a day to day basis. It's one of the most gut-wrenching realizations I have ever come to. I suppose through my naivety, this is as close to a broken heart as I have ever been. It is awful I can assure you.

I question: will my friends at the moment still be my friends next year? What about the year after that? Or will they fade? With deep anxiety...I fear the future. I do. I finally found people who care for me, who accept me, who like me for who I am. Something I've searched for all my life with fruitless efforts until now. Yet I'm uprooted. Taken from my happy little garden...and replanted in a huge new (well to continue the metaphor) forest. I don't know where to go, who to turn to, what to do. It's just me. All me.

On your mark. get set. blog.

And so it begins. Pages, scrolling downs, bloggings, URLs, and layouts full of my words. My thoughts. My complaints. My insights. My likes, dislikes, loves, losses, few and far between. Where does one start to decipher the complexities of emotions. Where does one look for inspiration. It's more than a tale of everyday life. This blog I assure you will read more of a confessional. A journal. An idealistic view of the world. My world. Not the facespaces and tweets of insignificant nothingess we all like to share with perfect strangers we accept as friends. No, this is real. This, I assure you, will be chock full of love, experience, growth...you name it. And the best part...no one knows about it.

A secret outlet. Like a garden locked away and only I hold the key. This key of course is simply knowledge of existence. I most likely will tell others of this blog. For I am partially narcissistic, partially emotionally thirsty for someone to know. Anyone to know... how I see.