It's not home yet...but maybe someday it will be. I love the rush of the city, the new places to go, the new people to meet. I've made some fun new friends and hope to build unbreakable bonds with them. But I think that there is my downfall. Every time I seek friendship...I seek something much stronger than a casual friend to hang out with. No...I want someone to be there for me in all cases. through all the trials and tribulations. the good times and the bad. I don't know if others are ready for that level of friendship here just yet. Everyone is still holding on to their "best friends" from home...not yet ready to take the leap. But am I even ready? I have come to realize that aside from my family, I have no one to tie me down at home...no one that is truly considerate of my life anymore. No one that calls me once a day just to ask how I am doing and how school is going.
Now this has come to me as quite the disappointment. I mean...I am fully aware that I am not anyone's favorite...in fact, I'm many people's least favorite. But the very select few that I have trusted with my loyalty have lately been letting me down. This has provided me such a supreme sense of abandonment. People who said they would "miss me so much" and those who shed tears when I left, really haven't come through for me. I try so hard to not burn bridges...but lately the foundations are cracking. I try so hard...yet no one other than my own mother reciprocates. Not even my dad. Sure I have friends here, but so far only on a casual level. I have no one to meet me on an intellectual or emotional level just yet. It is stifling I must say...
Then there is the fact that my life will never EVER be the same anymore. I do NOT live in Redlands anymore. For the most part, I live in San Francisco now. This is so weird. SO weird...I miss home so much. Just the thought of it, really. I miss my family. I miss my bed. I miss my car. I miss my shower. I miss the comfortability and monotonousness of home life. I would give anything for alone time. Time spent simply by myself...in my room (at home of course) or sitting in my family room watching TV. I want normality back. Not just to go home...but I want my LIFE back. A life without a stepdad and stepsister inhabiting my home. A life where I actually had a surplus of amazing friends. A life where I was on top of the world.
I am back at square one. A blank slate...both a blessing and a curse. It's like learning to walk all over again. I must introduce myself to every person I meet...explain my life story to them, my beliefs, my likes and dislikes. I must get to know myself all over again.
