Waiting For Spring

Will I ever feel?

Will I ever succeed in opening this heart of mine?

How do they do it? How does everyone experience life, pain, love, heartbreak?

I can't even manage to open my heart to my closest friends. Let alone any man that has ever expressed interest. What is this impenetrable wall that I have unwillingly built around me? For once, I want to live. I want to genuinely like someone and have them like me in return. For once, I want to experience love, even heartache. Bring it on world...I'm ready to feel. The numbness can only go so far. My anesthesia is wearing off. I need to gain movement in my limbs, a tingle in my skin, and a flutter in my stomach. I can only go so far accepting that my time will come but now I just worry that it never will. With no prospects and no faith, what am I supposed to do? I get on. I re-focus. I re-align. But then you come.

Finally accepting life on my own terms, you come and shred it all. You enter, as nonchalantly as you did before. You take my butterflies set so neatly in their cage and set them free. For months they flutter they fly, breed, expand and morph. With trepidation I start to let you in, our history gives you the benefit of the doubt. I want to accept you, grant you access to the Fort Knox of my heart. But the guards at the gate say no. The wily beast of insecurity attacks again, leaving me cold, starved, and alone. So close to finding feeling, but the numbness closes in once more...the sunshine deteriorates, closes in on itself. I find nothing but disgust, I pick you apart. Your flaws are all that I see. I now only see what I want, in order to justify my decision in self-doubt. I see through you. I don't see YOU. Only until I realize the feelings are mutual, I show I don't care. And then you're gone...faster than you entered. Only now do I want you. I want the chase. I want the thrill. The mystery. The dreams at night. It hurts to accept the end of excitement. Yet I crawl back into my anesthetic cocoon. Maybe one day my butterflies will be released again. But until I gain the courage to grow I sit alone in my cocoon, waiting for spring.

Pardon the stream of consciousness...

The assimilation is finally starting!

Yes. yes indeed I'm starting to get used to living away from home with total strangers. It sucks sometimes but I've learned to accept it. Though the bad times are REALLY bad...I've learned to depend on the most important person...me. Becoming an introvert is not so bad...you just have to learn that nobody outside of yourself really cares about what's going on with you. yeah. it sucks. but I take it with a grain of salt. I've learned that my roommate pretty much hates me...but whatever. I've learned that this is JUST like high school all over again. The hierarchy of friends...the competition to one-up each other. fucking OVER IT. but I must, MUST laugh it off before I go crazy in this joint. No one here cares about me. No one at home cares about me. It's all up to me now. I'm realigning my priorities. Repositioning my loyalties. Realizing the falsehoods I've put up with for the past year. No strings to tie me down...I could move to the other side of the world, or worse...just die...and no one would truly be hurt aside from my family. Don't trip now...this is the opposite of a suicide note! I'm simply trying to laugh off the fact that NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.

On a lighter note...I'm finally branching out. Making friends here and there. Spending less time with the wretched roommate and gaining new perspectives. Receiving attention from places I thought were gone. Finding emotions I didnt know I had...while learning to conceal others.

I just know this is not my finale...simply a transition. A mere speedbump on my path to greatness. And speaking of greatness...I'm afraid I'm losing my focus on the bigger picture and the greater path that I have made for myself. I'm starting to re-evaluate my dreams but I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of the old ones.

Cutting this one short. too much emotion with no filter.

Tired of this.

I am pretty darn tired of being alone.

The token social pariah.

I feel like I have nowhere to turn. I'm at school in a city foreign to me. With people foreign to me. I was so content right when I got here that I settled into a group of friends that I thought I liked. Well...I don't really think I like them all that much. I'm so sick of trying. So sick of getting to know people...it is literally tedious. I want the comfort of real friends so badly it hurts. Im tired of crying on the phone to my mom. I just want my life back. The one where I had great friends and great adventures.

College would be so great given some friends to share it with. I am so isolated, sure I have "friends"here but not really...I consider them more as people whom I tag along with their fun. They all love each other but I just don't fit into their picture. I want to go home so bad. Being home last week was the best weekend I've had in college. I need breathing room. I need alone time. I need to be with people who actually understand me. I'm so over this whole USF experience. I want to transfer to bigger and better places. Meet better people. Have fun again. I've lived so long in this constant state of shyness that I don't know how be myself anymore.

I've prayed and prayed, I hope this "adjustment period" my mom keeps talking about ends NOW. Because something needs to change.

Learning to walk.

I'm here. San Francisco, California. The city by the bay.

It's not home yet...but maybe someday it will be. I love the rush of the city, the new places to go, the new people to meet. I've made some fun new friends and hope to build unbreakable bonds with them. But I think that there is my downfall. Every time I seek friendship...I seek something much stronger than a casual friend to hang out with. No...I want someone to be there for me in all cases. through all the trials and tribulations. the good times and the bad. I don't know if others are ready for that level of friendship here just yet. Everyone is still holding on to their "best friends" from home...not yet ready to take the leap. But am I even ready? I have come to realize that aside from my family, I have no one to tie me down at home...no one that is truly considerate of my life anymore. No one that calls me once a day just to ask how I am doing and how school is going. 

Now this has come to me as quite the disappointment. I mean...I am fully aware that I am not anyone's favorite...in fact, I'm many people's least favorite. But the very select few that I have trusted with my loyalty have lately been letting me down. This has provided me such a supreme sense of abandonment. People who said they would "miss me so much" and those who shed tears when I left, really haven't come through for me. I try so hard to not burn bridges...but lately the foundations are cracking. I try so hard...yet no one other than my own mother reciprocates. Not even my dad. Sure I have friends here, but so far only on a casual level. I have no one to meet me on an intellectual or emotional level just yet. It is stifling I must say...

Then there is the fact that my life will never EVER be the same anymore. I do NOT live in Redlands anymore. For the most part, I live in San Francisco now. This is so weird. SO weird...I miss home so much. Just the thought of it, really. I miss my family. I miss my bed. I miss my car. I miss my shower. I miss the comfortability and monotonousness of home life. I would give anything for alone time. Time spent simply by myself...in my room (at home of course) or sitting in my family room watching TV. I want normality back. Not just to go home...but I want my LIFE back. A life without a stepdad and stepsister inhabiting my home. A life where I actually had a surplus of amazing friends. A life where I was on top of the world.

I am back at square one. A blank slate...both a blessing and a curse. It's like learning to walk all over again. I must introduce myself to every person I meet...explain my life story to them, my beliefs, my likes and dislikes. I must get to know myself all over again. 

To infinity and beyond.

I want to feel infinite.

Like that song you play driving with the windows down. The wind caressing your hair. The feeling that nothing in life could get any better. The sun beating on your face, reminding you that there is nothing like California. The thought that your best friend will be there forever, an infinite amount of time. And yet... time gets the best of us. It twists. It turns. And before we know it... is gone.

hello change...welcome back.

Change is inevitable. Goodbyes are insurmountable.

Pain, fear, anxiety. All side effects of change. We cannot stop it. We cannot go around it. We cannot go under it, over it, to the left or right of it. We must go through it. Whether we accept it or not, change happens to us all. 

Life as I know it is up in arms. In two weeks from tomorrow I will no longer live at home. My stomach aches, my brain hurts, my tear ducts have been emptied out. Excitement has been replaced with anxiety; happiness with nerves. I have never been closer to the cusp of life on my own than I am right now. Oh God, I'm terrified. I face the trials of life alone. The ups. The downs. The good and bad. It is up to me now...I have the sole power to create my own success.

Why is it that the second I find happiness and contentment in my life, change comes along with her big steam engine and plows right over me once more? I can't take anymore. I am only human. High school is over. Marriage. New people living in my home. College. Moving out. Leaving my closest friends behind.

Until this evening, I never had to say goodbye to someone I loved in a non-funeral sort of way. No, this is worse. This is knowledge that we are bound to live separate lives. That we are to live out the next years of our life without each other on a day to day basis. It's one of the most gut-wrenching realizations I have ever come to. I suppose through my naivety, this is as close to a broken heart as I have ever been. It is awful I can assure you.

I question: will my friends at the moment still be my friends next year? What about the year after that? Or will they fade? With deep anxiety...I fear the future. I do. I finally found people who care for me, who accept me, who like me for who I am. Something I've searched for all my life with fruitless efforts until now. Yet I'm uprooted. Taken from my happy little garden...and replanted in a huge new (well to continue the metaphor) forest. I don't know where to go, who to turn to, what to do. It's just me. All me.

On your mark. get set. blog.

And so it begins. Pages, scrolling downs, bloggings, URLs, and layouts full of my words. My thoughts. My complaints. My insights. My likes, dislikes, loves, losses, few and far between. Where does one start to decipher the complexities of emotions. Where does one look for inspiration. It's more than a tale of everyday life. This blog I assure you will read more of a confessional. A journal. An idealistic view of the world. My world. Not the facespaces and tweets of insignificant nothingess we all like to share with perfect strangers we accept as friends. No, this is real. This, I assure you, will be chock full of love, experience, growth...you name it. And the best part...no one knows about it.

A secret outlet. Like a garden locked away and only I hold the key. This key of course is simply knowledge of existence. I most likely will tell others of this blog. For I am partially narcissistic, partially emotionally thirsty for someone to know. Anyone to know... how I see.